Review: I Love My Giant Car

Giant CarMmm. I love my giant car.

The brochure said it was a sports activity coupe. I don’t know what that means but it makes me feel alternative and interesting. Sometimes I have trouble making decisions, and I like that the designers and product planners behind this car obviously didn’t make any either.

I love the huge V8 engine. I’m a technophobe so I like the manufacturer’s decision to use an engine design dating back to 1902. Hybrids and diesels sound like settling to me. That’s NPR talk.  My engine is so loud and powerful that I couldn’t hear NPR on my radio if I tried (why would I!?)

Once someone on a bicycle told me I should drive a vehicle that gets more than 20 miles per gallon, so I hit them with my giant, giant car. So what if a 1988 Accord gets better mileage? Sometimes progress goes backwards, especially when progress is as huge as my car.

When I’m driving my giant car I love how people look at me. Most of them are clearly jealous of the hugeness of my mode of transport.  Motorists in smaller cars get out of my way because of how impressive my car is, and how I surge and weave through traffic. I’m always in a huuuuuge hurry. Wouldn’t you be if you had a car this giant?

Sometimes women blow kisses in my direction and I wonder: is it for me or for my giant, giant car.

I keep hearing about these wars in the Middle East over oil. Apparently wars like that are pretty dangerous and costly. I’ll tell you what’s pretty much the opposite of an oil war: relaxing in my giant car. I can listen to my music on my Harman Kardon and my seats are leather, heated, and always massaging. Always.

EDW Lynch

San Francisco, 2011



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