Introducing the Bureau of Legends: First Up, the Toyota Land Cruiser

Legendary reliability. Legendary quality. Advertisers toss this “L” word around an awful lot. Legendary is supposed to mean “described in, or based on legends.” Therefore any product or service that is described as legendary must have a legend on the books or it is the falsest of advertising. As a public service, I will begin writing these legends where they do not exist. The companies in question can thank me with products, services, or bank draft. Welcome to the Bureau of Legends.

Toyota Land Cruiser
Legendary Product: Toyota Land Cruiser
Legendary Claim:

“Land Cruiser is Toyota’s original SUV, a V8 that combines legendary off-road capability with 8-passenger luxury.”

Source: Toyota USA

The Legend of the Off-Road Capability of the Toyota Landcruiser [excerpt]

…and so it came to pass that Old Man Crow grew tired and could no longer carry the Moon on its journey up the mountain to light the night sky. On that night the Moon did not rise at all and the People in the Valley were very frightened. They sent their spirit friend Little Owl to fly to Crow’s home and find out what was wrong.

“Old Man Crow,” hooted Little Owl. “Old Man Crow, let me in!”

Old Man Crow let little Owl into his nest home.

“Listen, Little Owl. I am old and I will die soon. The Moon is heavy and I cannot carry her any farther,” said Old Man Crow.

“But Old Man Crow, I am just a little Owl. I am not strong like the mighty crow. How will I carry the Moon on her journey?” asked Little Owl.

“You will have to find a way Little Owl,” said Old Man Crow, and then he died right then.

So Little Owl flew into the night with his heart heavy. How would he carry the Moon over the mountain to light the valley with her moonlight?

Just when Little Owl was about to go home and weep, he saw a 2004 Toyota Land Cruiser with V8 and hill descent control 4WD.

“Perhaps this man-tool has the off road capability to take the Moon over the mountain,” he hooted to himself hopefully. “I’m sure the man–or woman–who owns this luxury SUV wouldn’t mind if I borrowed it to help the Moon out tonight.”

Little Owl drove to the magic cave where the Moon was sleeping and loaded her into the optional leather 3rd row seat of the Land Cruiser. And sure as the Seasons, the mighty SUV climbed up the goat paths to the mountain top, and the Moon shone for the People in the Valley. And as morning approached, Little Owl enabled the optional hill descent control feature, safely and steadily taking the Moon back to her cave at the end of the night.

And to this day, when the People of the Valley see the Moon rise high in the night sky, they thank the Toyota Land Cruiser and its off-road capability.

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About EDW Lynch

EDW Lynch is one of the Bay Area's top 5 Humanitarians under 30.
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