What Will You Do With Smoothness That Lasts?

Veet Facebook ResponseI love how, thanks to the hi-tech Internet, when I watch Comedy Central online they just play the same ad 6 times. That’s why I’m so excited about Veet Hair Removal products (bonus points: not only does the Internet know I’m a man, but I knows I shave my filthy, hairy legs!) And, if you’re like me, when you see any sort of social media tie-ins in advertising, your eyes glaze over and you just start clicking and socialing. So when Veet sent me to Facebook to answer the question, “What will you do with smoothness that lasts?”, naturally I was helpess to resist.

Veet: What will you do with smoothness that lasts?

Me: A number of things. Primarily, I will use my long lasting smoothness to reduce my drag coefficent when I am moving at high speeds. I’ve calculated that at 100km/h I can reduce my drag coefficent from .49 to .42 thanks to Veet Ready To Use Strips Leg & Body. Additionally I will take advantage of the longevity of my smoothness during my all night porpoise dancing sessions. As you know, porpoises are incredibly, silky smooth. Thus, for a variety of human-porpoise dance styles, involving say, dorsal fin to thigh contact, lusciously smooth legs are a must.

Additionally I expect tertiary benefits at the metaphorical level, e. g., I expect my baby hairless legs to get me out of speeding tickets, awkward dates, and jury duty. Because, quite frankly, my smoothness will transcend my physical being and I’ll be able to silk my way out of life’s tight spots.

Veet, please send me 10,000 of your depilatory wax products so I can be forever freed from the manacles of my manly Irish-Japanese-Wookie legs.

With Kindest Regards,

EDW Lynch

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Posted in Thoughtful Essays

Cormac McCarthy on Yelp: The Cheesecake Factory

The Cheesecake Factory – Galleria/Uptown – Houston, TX

C. McCarthy
Author
A dusty home at the end of a road, NM

Three stars

There were a variety of cakes and sweet things there. The desserts paraded by in their desperate decadence, at once a fading and colorless memory.

A Bavarian chocolate cake stood apart, on a simple plate. Like a rancher’s wife it was seasoned by hardships and nature’s brutal arithmetic. Flourless, it awaited a lonely fate.

A Tiramisu teetered like the oldest prostitute in a mining town, reeking of saccharine liqueur. The faint scent of virtue lost amid the hellish musk of ten thousand outrages.

A torte, covered in glistening fruit, a lie as old as memory. Its flavor joyless, a pyrrhic dessert atop a mountain of meaningless artifice. Hasn’t been real sugar in this torte since before the highway was built here. Since before the first settlers came through with bibles and Henry rifles. The slow mockery of corn syrup.

He reached for the Tiramisu with a hand that had been dried by the sun and wind, and bathed in the steaming blood of another human being. All that now was behind him.

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Posted in Cormac McCarthy

Cormac McCarthy on Yelp: Papalote Mexican Grill

Papalote Mexican Grill – Mission – San Francisco

C. McCarthy
Author
A dusty home at the end of a road, NM

Two stars

The young cowboy lies in the afternoon sun, gut shot. The bitter tang of cordite and blood mingles in his mouth. In his hand, a pearl handled revolver, still warm. He lies propped against the lone cottonwood. A mile distant, dust trails mark a coming reckoning. Three riders, maybe more.

His eyes shift upward to a circling vulture, a sentinel of inevitability. The blood is almost black. He has another hour at most. The pain comes in waves, lingering like the burn of bad whiskey. One bullet left in the Colt.

Something as yet unheralded has died when a quesadilla comes on a spinach tortilla.

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Posted in Cormac McCarthy

The Three Most Wonderful Things I Have Seen This Week

Unless you exist in a primitive society that is not ruled by blogs, surely you are aware of my rise in recent months to prominence as Contributing Editor of Laughing Squid. As a member of the ruling elite of the blogosphere, I see things. Some of them are wonderful and I’d like to share them with you.

Lytro Light Field Camera Allows Focusing After Photo is Taken–this is the future.

Turntable.fm, A Clever Social Music Site Lets Users Play DJ–this may also be the future.

The Problem of Choice, Another Brilliant RSA Animate Lecture–the future may not be so bright.

Posted in Reviews

The Three Most Wonderful Things I Have Seen This Week

Unless you exist in a primitive society that is not ruled by blogs, surely you are aware of my rise in recent months to prominence as Contributing Editor of Laughing Squid. As a member of the ruling elite of the blogosphere, I see things. Some of them are wonderful and I’d like to share them with you.

The Long Now is Building a 10,000 Year Clock in Texas Mountain–This is kind of a big deal. The Long Now Foundation, the future-positive group made up of various luminaries including Sir Brian Eno, is building a clock that will keep time for 10,000 years.

Plus Pool, a Proposal for a Public Pool Floating in a New York City River–A brilliant solution for New York’s sweltering summers. Let’s hope the Kickstarter raises more than 10 grand.

Dear Photograph, Then and Now Photos of Old Snapshots–There’s something wonderfully eery about taking an old snapshot back to its original context and taking a photo of it. Also it’s dammned hard to explain in writing. Go look at it.

Posted in Reviews

Top Five Icky Yoga Words

Yoga Relaxation Pose - SavasanaUpon the advice of numerous bendy and attractive women, I finally caved and began taking yoga classes last Fall. I am still no closer to touching my toes, but I do have a whole new vocabulary of words that make me feel uncomfortable.

My Top Five Icky Yoga Words

  1. Sitbones. Noun. The two knobby bits where your legbones meet your buttbone. “Let’s really widen the space between our sitbones.”
  2. Sacrum. Noun. A mysterious region somewhere between your butt and lower back. “You can let the strap rest right on your partner’s sacrum.”
  3. Hip crease. Noun. The point near the groin where the hip and leg meet. “Remember to externally rotate your leg so you really see your hip crease.”
  4. Sensation. Noun. AKA pain. “Notice where you’re feeling the most sensation.”
  5. Sidebody. Noun. The portion of the body between the hip and armpit. “Extend that left arm to the ceiling to really get in touch with your sidebody.”
Posted in Reviews

The Most Wonderful Things I Have Seen This Week

Unless you exist in a primitive society that is not ruled by blogs, surely you are aware of my rise in recent months to prominence as Contributing Editor of Laughing Squid. As a member of the ruling elite of the blogosphere, I see things. Some of them are wonderful and I’d like to share them with you.

Kids Battle Kids in Music Video For The Greeks by Is Tropical–When I was a 13 year old auteur making violent action videos with my friends, there was nothing I wanted more than awesome fake blood effects. This music video juxtaposes kids acting out a fake gun battle with animated gun flashes and gory blood effects. It’s both alarming and funny and awesome. Alawesomefun.

Creepy Life-Like Baby Masks Create Alarming Adult Babies–What’s not to love about a bare chested grown man with an oversized scowling baby mask?

Peanutweeter, Hilarious Tweets as Peanuts Cartoons–There’s a wonderful alchemy at work in these Peanuts cartoons remixed with hilarious and vulgar Twitter tweet-posts.

Posted in Reviews